i have absolutely no idea what i am, what i like, what i want. it's like i've put my life on hold when i'm obsessing over the gamut of EDs. only vague echoes of past passions remain. i think i might be over them, then again, they could pique my interest. all these possibilities stretch as far as imagination can reach. it's scary, they're risks, they're unknown, i could fail. then again, i might not. but in the meantime, this blank slate's all mine to do with as i wish. i wish i knew what i'd wish... i need a manual, a goal, a direction, of which obviously there isn't supposed to be. not if i want to live.
mainly, i'm all about the choice between life and death: for a while, i've chosen death and tried my best to achieve that. weapon of choice: food, or rather, lack of. living is(was?) too painful and dying too hard, but the option is always there at the back of my head, depending on my erratically oscillating perceptions. now i'm not sure. the fence between life and death is so wide i seem to be walking and crawling and running on it forever without seeing either end. i'm not living nor dying; physically existing and emotionally numbed.