oust's Journal

28 January 1986
i have absolutely no idea what i am, what i like, what i want.
it's like i've put my life on hold when i'm obsessing over the gamut of EDs.
only vague echoes of past passions remain.
i think i might be over them, then again, they could pique my interest.
all these possibilities stretch as far as imagination can reach.
it's scary, they're risks, they're unknown, i could fail.
then again, i might not.
but in the meantime, this blank slate's all mine to do with as i wish.
i wish i knew what i'd wish...
i need a manual, a goal, a direction, of which obviously there isn't supposed to be.
not if i want to live.

mainly, i'm all about the choice between life and death: for a while, i've chosen death and tried my best to achieve that. weapon of choice: food, or rather, lack of. living is(was?) too painful and dying too hard, but the option is always there at the back of my head, depending on my erratically oscillating perceptions. now i'm not sure. the fence between life and death is so wide i seem to be walking and crawling and running on it forever without seeing either end. i'm not living nor dying; physically existing and emotionally numbed.

not anymore. but i still live and kick all the way at http://egocidal.blogspot.com
:wumpscut:, alice cooper, anais nin, ani difranco, azzedine alaïa, bad thunderstorms, baroque, bathroom scales, bauhaus, björk, black light, bulimarexia, burgundy, charlie white, christian death, clan of xymox, cocteau twins, collarbones, compulsive overeating, covenant, danzig, david bowie, deine lakaien, devon aoki, dying, eddie izzard, edward gorey, edwardian, egypt, elyse sewell, emaciation, epistemology, eternal tears of sorrow, evilness, exotic cats, exposure anxiety, fantasy, fuck me, fuck off, gauntness, gemma ward, genitorturers, go away, goo goo dolls, hanzel und gretyl, hating food, hedonism, helium vola, hermits, hiding, icon of coil, insignificance, invader zim, invisibility, irish music, j.s.bach, jack off jill, john cale, jthm, kipling, l'ame immortelle, lace, lacuna coil, lesiem, lightest, lip service, listening, lutes, lying, maggie gyllenhaal, mary quant, masks, melancholy, middle ages, mila mar, milla jovovich, mindless self indulgence, mogwai, mozart, natalie imbruglia, nightwish, nine inch nails, opera, oscar wilde, ossie clark, otep, overdose, painting, people suck, people unlike me, period clothing, pescatarianism, petite, philip glass, poetry, pro-choice, project pitchfork, psychopathy, puking, qntal, rain, rainwater, rasputina, renaissance, ribs, samuel johnson, sapiosexuality, self hate, shannyn sossamon, shinya, sick, siouxsie and the banshees, size 00, skinniest, smashing pumpkins, social phobia, society of creative anachronism, solipsism, solitude, spiritualized, stabbing westward, starving, stephen chow, storms, sugar, suicide, switchblade symphony, tapping the vein, tasha tilberg, tenacious d, the black heart procession, the princess bride, the sisters of mercy, thinnest, throwing food away, tiny, toilets, tool, toshiya, tristania, twiggy, vangelis, vegetating, victorian, vnv nation, voltaire, wallflower, within temptation, yeats, zeromancer